What is that feeling when you’re standing in a crowd and cant recognize yourself? The feeling when you feel your presence is only superficial. The feeling when you dont know when to laugh or to cry and you keep on waiting for a cue. The feeling when you’re standing searching for that ONE or may be the only stare towards you. The feeling when you realize if its even the place you’re meant to be at. The feeling when you just wish it badly rains and you cry your heart out with a relief that nobody would notice. The feeling of a void presence, the essence of a silent scream. The feeling when you want to end a burdened conversation. The feeling when nobody notices your plain emotions under the masquerade of your skillful smile. Tell me the feelings of emptiness, tell me that it doesnt exist, that its just my illusion, that all those nights I spent with my eyes staring those walls were just acts of madness, tell me no living being can be empty. Just tell me Im NOT an Exception!
Is it you whom Im looking for all this time? For all I see in a Man ahead are trails of your essence left behind. The space between me and him can never be the same as it was before. I can never be the same, can never feel as I felt before. These emotions have really ripped myself from within, left me wander astray and look amidst life as if love didnt ever exist!
Why do I always have to look for you within everyone I meet. Why is it always you who is at the back of my mind whenever I want to take a step ahead, why do my feet feel all numb when I want them to be there for me. You have left me all useless, hopeless and pathetic. I have been trying hard, harder then ever before to get myself out of all of these childish desires. I lost you and I lost myself a shoulder to cry on, a hand to hold on to, a smile to look upto. I cant fill my eyes with those tears again, cant fill that face with that smile again. I cant fill my heart with that love again.
I just cant wish upon a star anymore, I just can pray for a heart anymore, I just cant ask for Love anymore. I dont deserve self anymore. I dont deserve Me anymore.
All I fear now is of dying alone!
Wrapped up in myself, burning my soul in these crypted ashes of the past, this place doesnt give me the peace of mind anymore. The rock’s too hard, the grass too stiff, the moon too shallow, the air too breathless and the sea below so dead. The life that I lost which was once here by my side took away all that was, with her. The gleam of the star looks fake, a masquerade of her hidden tears from the searchers above. I know you arent any proud of me looking all astray and bewildered living on this land of the Winners, the Conquerors. I on the other hand have lost all my battles, burnt all my ships, the day I lost You. The day I became the reason to loose you. The day I saw you Dead!
Its my plan to meet you today for once or forever. After a hundred nights spent in that smoke, all those tears lost in the weed, I now have the guts to stand and scream my lungs out, scream to the sea below, “You’re about to take me in,and I dont want to be rejected the way Im by my life, I know Im a disgrace, but all I ask is for a praise to have kept the power to give away, by my will”. From the time I tried to cry, to the point where all these glands felt like a slab of dead, swollen, stinky meat. I tried, tried really hard to live like a man but I failed, failed you for like the thousandth time and apparently tonight would be the last.
Standing on these feet I realize that my legs arent shivering anymore. Since the day I held you in these arms all pale and cold, so still and concrete, they lost the sense of Life. The smell of this breeze defines your presence around me, marks your path close to me. I know what you mean and want from me, but my love for you isnt that strong any more that it makes me live for all those years ahead without letting me know where ill be without you. I cant let you distract me for long, I just cant. I have taken the steps and I can see the distance in between, I need your yes in this. You just cant go all denying about it, making me guilty for letting you go, making me guilty for not saving you when I could. What about your fault, the fact that you left me all alone, fact that you didnt even give me the time to hear you for one last time.
The gush of wind that is now blowing beneath me is endlessly trying to make me fly, the efforts are all in vain my dear, You couldnt make me live for long, you just couldnt. Be my beloved and give me that Kiss for one last time before I end it all forever, before I get a chance to see you after so long. Caress me with your Lips, let me taste the pain that it gives one last time. Let it be my precious moment of Life before I die. Give me your One Last Kiss.