There really are moments that bring so much back to your mind and in front of your eyes that you cant help but think what difference it makes or has made in the years that have passed by. You feel strange whatever has come along and think about how much and how many have you left behind. That one moment caused by your own stimulation, drives vibes of past memories across your eyes without you moving an inch through the time machine. The moment made me realize how actually time changes where at the same moment you were surrounded and here you were stranded alone with your thoughts about that very past. The day coming along and some strange conversation gives you equally strange pins about reality, your reality perhaps. Your mind, at times, is not a good place to be at for you are far more responsible for your own pain then of someone else’s. Better learn never to open up as much as someone ask you to. Words seem far prettier and meaningful when they’re unsaid instead of letting them out in the wold wandering like blind butterflies. Find peace in self and try not lean too much on a wall that needs to move on or can get relocated to fulfill some other important purpose. Yet these too are just words.

On another note it just reminded me of what a friend once said, which is quite right though, ‘Let them be with whom they want to be. As if now if they aren’t with them because of you, those people would be the one’s they will want to be with when you wont be around to tell them’. A good piece as a food for thought but certainly not related to what I had been talking about.


Good Night..

The worst feeling in the world, is to know that you dont love yourself. You dont love the very existence of yourself. Where once you bid everyone to stay strong and act rational and on the other hand you feel like destroying your self.
When days and nights pass by and you do nothing, nothing that gives you happiness, that gives you satisfaction. You think, think and think like a waste. You try and try to make things right for yourself but your hate for self is a little too much. When the one’s around you question you, look at you for answers but you have nothing else to say but, ‘Im ok!’
Im not ok, Im not ok at all. In my mind I’ve killed myself a thousand times in a thousand different ways. Why? Because I hate myself, because I love the rest far more than I love anything about myself. Ask me once and I’ll do it for you, except to love myself. I have been in a habit to bottle-up, I prefer keeping my secrets and game plans to myself and pinning down who the rest are and what they do and how they do it. I just know too much. I hate my brain to process the symbols into possible actions, all correct.
I just need a self with a content smile both from inside out. I have been hurting myself too much lately, I have been expecting far too much for Im giving all I can. Im fighting hard against myself in this battle of the weakest link. Im just too very weak right now, Im burdening and annoying the one around me with them left with no option but to excuse or to pull away
This talk is all crap and makes no sense to anyone but to myself. Even in a years time it wont make any sense to self, this is nothing more than a favor that I could ever do to myself. I just want an escape to a place of no man’s existence, not because I love myself but I love you far too much.
As for now Im just yearning to find a good sleep.

Difference of Possession

Peace, expectancy, life and reality, heavy words and a far heavier approach. You just think, keep on thinking through a dozen different approaches, seemingly harmless but painfully harmful.
You think about balance, you believe in giving in, you plan for hatred and dive into the pool of guilt instead. You question, you lose. They question, you justify. You believe in saying things, saying it out loud. You talk alot, you’re hate-able  you talk out to save someone’s butt you’re lovable. Expect nothing, nothing equal to a dime, for expectancy kills the worth of living. Why would you even question someone when you know you’d end up in a deafening silence with no clue, no clue of the dilemma at all. Change of subject, change of issue; loss of sense of self.
Dont talk, just dont. Let it be, let them live as they please, let them live in peace. Your mind, your thoughts distract them from what they think, believe and want. Life isn’t about how you perceive someone else to be, its about how you dissolve them in your being. They will always judge you, judge you on love, hate, thoughts and actions, you judge them on how you be when you’re there, with them.
The difference between you and them is that you know where you’re wrong and that they know where you’re wrong as well. You think in a thousand different directions and live through a hundred different perceived actions; if you want yourself to be sane then just mind your own business! Question, but question to self and none other. Remind yourself that no two beings possessed with love possess the same traits. They are beings, who have been designed and created on a scale different to yours for you to clasp and fit yourself in. Your cuts will be filled with their presence and their wounds will be healed by yours. There’s nothing like a complete package in this world.

Remember, from now on question and answer yourself. For it will save your tongue to spill out your far processed thoughts that are mostly wasted otherwise.

You are all I desire.

Sound of Whitney Houston soothes my mind right now,’Over and over I look in your eyes, you are all I desire, you have captured me’. Desiring for something, getting something and then the phase of actually losing something, too clichéd, right? Human nature, can’t deny it, won’t accept it either. Desire is that very spark in your life that makes your days shorter and nights longer. Desiring for anything in this world makes the wait for attaining it, undesirable; more likely, unbearable. You don’t know what you’re running after, you don’t know how you’re going to get it, but all you know at the back of your mind somewhere in the silhouette of desire, that you’re going to get it.

I’ve desired for innumerable things in my life, some achieved, some forgotten and the rest lost. I regretted my failures but they were soon forgotten. I celebrated at my achievements and later on got bored of them, still I never managed to get rid of them. I never could. Why so? I pretty much can’t explain. Somewhere between the odds, may be I have the desire to hold on. Hold on to things that I have achieved with such hardships and pleasure. The moment someone, somehow loses the desire to hold on to things he/she has always wanted to have, is the time when things start to part ways. The desire to struggle for your hobby, academic achievement, or either trying to hold on to your marriage or a relationship. Don’t let those things that were once a huge part of your life, the ones that were clicking on your mind and nerves 24/7 slip away from you that easily. It takes a loser to understand the value and worth of winning and not the winner itself. You might have lost it once, but may be your desire to hold on makes it worth working for. Don’t follow the lead to your own loss. Situation might be that your unable to face your own misery, gets difficult to collect regrets and even harder to bury the sorrows. If only I could predict the amount of damage it brings, I would’ve tried to persuade each one of you to never to let go of something or someone you have truly worked for. Karma, no doubt is a bitch but you do have to become an even bigger one.

All I desire for now, is to hold on to everything that I have around me. I’ll hold on to, for now I fear the regret of losing. I fear of losing the biggest parts of my life.

Love has no desire but to fulfill itself.  The ultimate test of a relationship is to disagree but to hold hands.

~Alexandra Penney


One day I woke up to find out that I had killed my own-self. There, there I lie beneath the bloodshed of expectations, accused of murdering the pride of my love. Ever so guilty and all so helpless. What purpose had I been left behind with? To stab him with more agony? To bruise him with anger? Nay, tis’ was time that I brought it to an end. Time to murder myself, where he is all I got, and none is that I cared, then I shall not be here. I shall not be!


I killed myself for the lover’s pride. I killed myself for his smile.